


Shipwrecked (Float On Your Back)

by Synnerxx



Category: Metallica, Professional Wrestling, World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Arguing, Depression, Domestic Disputes, Drinking, Kid Fic, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-14
Updated: 2015-01-14
Packaged: 2018-03-07 13:51:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3175346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Synnerxx/pseuds/Synnerxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(rewritten for more angst and better pacing) Dean and Lars are both expecting, but one goes better than the other one does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shipwrecked (Float On Your Back)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Keeper of Tales (CodenameLoki)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CodenameLoki/gifts).



> this is set in the au 'verse that i share with badger where seth and dean live next door to lars and james and no one is famous and it's all very domestic. but this is kind of an au of that au. shoutout to badger for letting me borrow lee. he's precious.

James slides into bed next to Lars, making him stir and roll over onto his back, blinking up at him sleepily. “James?”

“Shh, it’s me.” James nudges Lars back over onto his side with a hand on his hip. 

Lars goes willingly enough, murmuring quietly. “What were you doing?”

“Just making sure everything was locked up downstairs and running the dishwasher.” James whispers, one arm slipping around Lars’s waist, hand resting on his belly. His fingers stroke over the tiny, barely-there curve, making Lars squirm against him. 

“You can’t even feel anything. I’m barely pregnant.” Lars complains, but his hand rests over James’s, twining their fingers together.

“I can feel enough. I know our baby is in there.” James presses a kiss to the back of Lars’s neck, nosing at the soft skin he finds there.

Lars shifts back against James, soaking in his warmth. “Mm, yeah. Our baby. I like that.”

James continues stroking his fingers over Lars’s belly, lulling them both to sleep.

\------------

James groans and stumbles his way out of bed the next morning, shuffling into the kitchen with a yawn. 

“Yes, Kirk. I’ll be over there soon. I promise. Okay. Okay. Goodbye, Kirk.” Lars hangs up his cell phone and and smiles at James. “Good morning.”

“Morning.” James drops down into his chair and yawns again.

Lars puts a cup of coffee and a plate full of bacon and eggs and toast in front of him. “I have a client meeting this afternoon and Kirk needs me to go over there to help him with some recipe, so I’m going over there in a few minutes.”

James nods, already stuffing his face. 

Lars passes him a napkin with a sigh. James grins around a mouthful of bacon. 

Lars shuffles some papers around on the table before gathering them all in a stack and putting them in his briefcase. He comes around to James’s side of the table and picks up the napkin, wiping at James’s face. “You’re getting egg in your moustache.” 

James just shrugs and swallows his food before leaning up for a kiss. Lars gives it to him and starts to move away, but James tugs on his wrist. Lars turns back to him, confusion in his eyes as James tugs his shirt up, pressing a kiss to his belly. Lars rolls his eyes, but he smiles fondly down at James, stroking a hand through his hair before straightening his shirt and heading for the door.

“Don’t forget that we have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow! The first ultrasound!” James calls out.

“I already cleared my schedule for it. I’ll be home this evening.” Lars calls back, opening the front door.

“Love you!” James shouts, loading up a piece of toast with eggs.

“Love you too.” Lars shuts the door behind him and heads off to Kirk’s place, wondering what on earth the other man is concocting this time.

\-------------

“Seth, I am so sick of being pregnant, I could scream.” Dean complains, waddling into the living room and dropping heavily down onto the couch. 

“I know. You tell me this at least four times a day.” Seth says with a sigh. 

“It’s all your fault. You knocked me up. Made me huge.” Dean grumbles, hands resting on his belly.

“I don’t remember you complaining at the time.” Seth smirks at him, shoving a pair of gym shorts in his workout bag.

Dean flips him off. “I can still blame you. You’re still the cause of this.” 

“I know you will. I have a few training sessions today, so I won’t have my phone on me much, but you know you can call Naomi and she’ll get me should you need anything.” Seth says, slinging his bag over his shoulder. 

Dean opens his mouth to say something, but Seth cuts him off. “No, food emergencies don’t count. Call Roman or James for those.”

Dean pouts up at him. “That’s mean.”

“I know. I’m terrible. You need anything before I leave?” Seth asks.

“Hand me my phone? I’m gonna call James, see if he’s going down to the garage today.” Dean points towards the end of the couch where his cell phone is balanced on the arm. 

Seth picks it up and hands it to him. “Anything else, your majesty?” 

“No, you’re free to go.” Dean waves him off and scrolls through his contacts before landing on James.

Seth leans down for a kiss and Dean presses into it briefly before dropping back down against the couch as Seth kisses the swell of his belly, patting it gently, grinning when the baby kicks for him. Dean huffs, shifting. “You’re making him kick vital organs over here.”

Seth rolls his eyes. “I’ll be home for dinner. Play nice with James.”

Dean waves him off, already calling James as Seth leaves. “Hey, James. You going to the garage today?”

\------------

An hour later, as promised, James is letting himself into Ambrose-Rollins’ house. “Hey, Dean. I’m here!”

“I’m in the living room!” Dean shouts back and James heads in there. 

“You still feel like going to the garage today?” James asks, watching as Dean shovels a handful of popcorn with what looks like spray cheese on it in his mouth. 

“Definitely. Let me finish this episode of Maury though. I wanna know if he’s the father or not.” Dean says around a mouthful of kernels. 

“Are you eating popcorn with squirt cheese on it?” James asks, taking a seat on the couch with Dean and peering into the bowl Dean is holding.

“Yes and I’m not sharing. Perks of being pregnant. I don’t have to share my food anymore.” Dean cradles the bowl to his chest. 

“You can definitely keep that all to yourself, man.” James chuckles and settles in to watch the rest of Maury with Dean.

“Five bucks says he isn’t the father.” Dean says, glancing at James.

“You’re on. He totally is.” James reaches out to shake Dean’s hand, but thinks better of it when he sees the smears of cheese and butter all over Dean.

The commercial break ends and Maury chatters on, talking to the mother and the potential baby daddy. Finally, he opens the envelope that holds the results of the paternity test and announces that Chad is not the father!

James sighs and gets out his wallet, passing over the five he owes Dean while Dean smirks at him, licking fake cheese off of his hands. 

“Told you he wasn’t the father.” Dean plucks the money out of James’s hand.

“Yeah, yeah. You ready to go?” James asks, getting up and taking the bowl into the kitchen and coming back with a damp cloth for Dean to wipe his hands on, so he wouldn’t have to waddle all the way into the kitchen. 

“I’m ready.” Dean nods, reaching up for James’s arm.

James heaves Dean to his feet, steadying him with a hand on his lower back and guides him out of the house, taking Dean’s keys so he can lock up. He unlocks the doors of the Beast and helps Dean in, shutting the door and walking around to his side of the truck.

He gets in and starts it, pulling out of the driveway. He glances over and eyes the straining seat belt along Dean’s belly. “You’re just about ready to pop, aren’t you?”

“You have no idea. I’m so fucking over being pregnant. This child needs to get here.” Dean huffs, eyeing his belly.

“I can’t wait for Lars to start showing. I just know he’s going to be huge. He’s so fucking tiny, but he’s going to get fucking big!” James grins, drumming his hands on the wheel at a red light.

“He’s gonna look like he swallowed a basketball.” Dean snickers, hands rubbing at his belly. 

“I know! It’s gonna be so great.” James aims a brilliant grin at Dean. 

“Hey, he’s kicking. Wanna feel?” At a red light, Dean grabs James’s hand and puts it on his belly, wincing slightly as the baby kicks hard. James taps gently on the side of Dean’s belly and the baby kicks back. 

James laughs, delighted. “He’s already smart.”

“Guess he got that from Seth.” Dean says, shifting in his seat.

“You did light your eyebrows on fire once.” James nods, pulling into the parking lot of Papa Het’s Garage. 

“One time! One time and no one ever lets me live it down!” Dean complains, opening the truck door and waiting for James to come around and help him out.

“Well, what did you expect? We all told you not to do the thing and you did it anyway. When even I’m telling you not to do it, you probably shouldn’t do it. Just a thought.” James scolds lightly as he guides Dean into the work area. 

“Whatever. What are you working on today?” Dean asks, settling into his usual chair beside James’s work station.

James begins telling him about the engine he’s been working on for the last few days and he gets comfortable, listening to James talk and trying to absorb as much information as he can. 

All in all, it’s shaping up to be a pretty good day.

\-----------

Lars shifts on his stool again, lower back aching dully. He takes another sip of water and straightens his spine a little, wincing as the ache intensifies. Kirk is chattering on and on about the complicated menu this couple wanted for their wedding and usually, Lars would be listening, but the ache is rather distracting. 

He stands up, pacing around a bit, hoping that he just slept wrong last night. There’s a nagging feeling in the back of his mind though that says Something Isn’t Quite Right. He picks up his glass of water from the bar and takes another sip, one hand pressed against the small of his back as he stretches. 

A lightening bolt of pain in his stomach has the glass slipping from his fingers and a gasp leaving his lips as he hunches over. 

“...and then she said she wanted smoked - Lars, are you okay?” Kirk interrupts himself, rushing away from the table where the menu and several recipes are spread out in front of him and over to Lars’s side. 

His stomach cramps again, even worse than the first time and he groans, doubling over, hands on his belly. “I think there’s - fuck fuck - something wrong, Kirk.”

“Okay, okay. Don’t panic. We’ll go to the hospital. I’ll call James and -” Kirk starts to say, alreay trying to help Lars out to the car.

“No! Don’t tell James! Not yet.” Lars says desperately. 

“But Lars, he’s gonna want to know.” Kirk reasons, managing to get Lars out of the kitchen and into his car as fast as he can.

“I’ll tell him if he needs to know. But we don’t know that there’s anything wrong. This could just be a stomach ache or something.” Lars clutches at Kirk’s shirt, staring at him.

“Okay. Fine. But know that I am protesting this!” Kirk says, heading towards to hospital as Lars shuddering in pain next to him. 

“Duly noted.” Lars mumbles through clenched teeth. 

This isn’t just a stomach ache, he fears.

\---------------

A splash from Dean’s side of the work station has James leaning around the hood of the car he’s working on, a questioning look on his face. “Dean?”

“I think my water broke.” Dean says, eyeing the puddle underneath his chair.

“I thought you weren’t due for another two weeks!” James says, frozen in place.

“Well, guess he’s early like his dad.” Dean grumbles, mentally cursing Seth for getting him pregnant.

“Okay, well, hospital it is then!” James finally moves, grabbing some clean towels from his office and layering them over the passenger seat before helping Dean into the truck. 

“Goddamn!” Dean exclaims, finally managing to hoist himself into the truck. 

James gets in on the other side. “You want me to call Seth?” 

“No, I’ll do it. I need to yell at him. You just drive.” Dean says, snagging his phone out of the cup holder.

He thumbs through his contacts, wincing ever so often before tapping Seth’s name. He puts it on speaker phone and rests it on his belly as it rings and rings. 

“Hi, you’ve reached Seth Rollins. Sorry I can’t answer the phone…” Dean hangs up before the greeting can finish playing.

“Fuck, okay. I’ll call Naomi.” Dean mumbles, flicking once more through his contacts. 

“Good idea.” James mumbles, pushing the speed limit as much as he dares. Lars would kill him if he got another ticket.

“Hey Naomi. It’s Dean. Can I talk to Seth, please? Tell him it’s an emergency.” Dean says, one hand rubbing at his belly absently.

James drums his hands on the wheel, glaring at a red light and glancing over at Dean.

“Seth, get your ass to the hospital. Your child is about to be here.” Dean says, shifting in his seat again.

James can hear Seth’s whoop of joy on the other end of the line and he grins, thinking about his own excitement when this moment happens for him and Lars. 

Dean hangs up the phone and drops it back into the cup holder. “Fuck. This is really happening.”

“Yeah, you’re gonna be a daddy soon.” James grins at him, pulling into the hospital parking lot, not really bothering to park neatly. 

He hurries over to Dean’s side of the truck and helps him out, chuckling at Dean’s shell-shocked expression, as if the fact that he’s about to have a kid has finally hit him. He gets him out and helps him waddle into the hospital, leading him up to the counter. 

“He’s in labor, so like, some help would be great.” James says to the nurse there. 

She looks up at him, looks at Dean, and grins, coming around to help Dean. “Hello, Dean. Baby is coming early, isn’t he?” 

“A bit, yeah.” Dean lets her guide him to a wheelchair that an orderly has pulled up for him, having seen them walking in. 

“Where’s Seth?” Nurse Lily glances at James.

“On his way. He was at work. This is my friend, James.” Dean gestures at James, who smiles sheepishly.

“Alrighty then. Let’s get you up to the maternity ward and I’ll page Doctor Rose.” Nurse Lily says, pushing the wheelchair to the elevator. James follows along behind, making a mental note to call Lars when Seth gets there.

\---------------

Kirk paces around the waiting room, absently gnawing on his thumbnail. He wants to call James, but Lars had been clear in what he wanted and that was not James right now. He had no idea what was going on. The doctors had whisked Lars away as soon as Kirk was done explaining the problem to them. 

He had been shuffled off to the waiting room with only stale coffee and old magazines to keep him company. He’s desperately worried about Lars and the baby and is praying to every God he can think of to keep them safe, but there’s still a nagging feeling in his gut that says something is very wrong.

Kirk’s learned to trust that feeling more often than not, but he’s hoping with every fiber of his being that he’s wrong. He wants to be wrong for once, just about this. 

A doctor steps into the room and looks at him. “Are you Kirk Hammett?” 

“Yes. How’s Lars? Is he okay?” Kirk asks, frantic.

“He’s awake and asking for you. He requested that he be the one to tell you what’s going on, so if you’ll come with me?” The doctor leads him down the hall and into Lars’s room. 

Lars is sitting on the edge of the bed, dressed in a hospital gown. He’s staring at the floor when Kirk walks in. The doctor takes his leave quietly, shutting the door behind him. 

“Lars, what’s wrong? What happened?” Kirk rushes around to face Lars.

“I lost the baby.” Lars’s voice is so small and broken that Kirk nearly misses the words.

“Oh, Lars.” Kirk wraps Lars in a hug, hands stroking his hair. 

Lars sniffles, but doesn’t cry. He pulls back after a minute and his red-rimmed eyes are determined. “I want to go home.” 

“Shouldn’t you stay? I mean, they might want you to stay or something.” Kirk protests weakly, knowing that if Lars pushes, he’ll give in.

“I’m, well, I’m not okay, but I still want to go home and I’ve already checked out AMA.” Lars admits, looking down and scrubbing a hand over his face.

“Do you want me to call James?” Kirk asks, hand on Lars’s knee.

“No! No, I’ll deal with him later.” Lars sighs, standing up and heading to the chair where his clothes are folded neatly. He picks them up and takes them into the bathroom and changes, stepping out a moment later. 

“Lars, you shouldn’t deal with this by yourself.” Kirk says, watching Lars shrug his jacket on. 

“I’m not.” Lars says shortly, sitting down to put his shoes on. 

“I’m just worried about you.” Kirk rests a hand on Lars’s shoulder. 

“Well, don’t be.” Lars snaps, standing up and walking out of the room.

Kirk sighs and follows, listening to the nurse explain the paperwork to Lars and tell him where he needs to sign. 

All too soon, they’re on their way back out of the hospital. “Where do you wanna go?”

“Home.” Lars curls up against the door, resting his head on the window.

“Do you want me to cancel your meeting today?” Kirk asks as he pulls out of the parking lot.

“Yeah.” Lars sighs, breath fogging up the window briefly.

The rest of the ride is silent and Kirk can’t help but shoot worried glances at Lars the entire trip home.

\-------------

When Seth barrels into the waiting room, James catches him by the shoulders and manages to direct him to the maternity room where Dean currently is. “Thanks for waiting with him.”

“No problem. Now go see him. Although I wouldn’t stand too close. He’s been cursing your name ever since we got here.” James chuckles. 

Seth nods, already heading for the room, a wide grin on his face. James steps out into the hall to call Lars and let him know he’ll be home soon. He frowns when he gets Lars’s voicemail, then figures he’s with his client.

“Hey, babe. Dean went into labor at the garage. Took him to the hospital and now Seth is here, so I’ll be on my way home shortly. I’ll see you later. Love you.” James hangs up and shoves his phone in his pocket, going back in to let Seth know he’s leaving.

“You can stay if you want!” Seth offers, glancing back over his shoulder at Dean’s room.

“I don’t want to be in the way. This is you guys’s moment. Not mine. Good luck.” James claps Seth on the shoulder and turns, heading out of the waiting room. 

It doesn’t take him long to get out of the hospital and back into the Beast, heading for home this time. He calls Jason, his head mechanic, and lets him know he won’t be back for the rest of the day. 

He grins all the way home, imagining Lars, all big and pregnant, going into labor and what it’s going to be like, seeing their baby for the first time. He hopes they have Lars’s eyes. Such a pretty green.

\---------------

Kirk frowns as Lars declines James’s call, but doesn’t say anything.

“Don’t lecture me. I already told you I’m going to deal with him later.” Lars says, catching sight of Kirk’s look.

“Do you want me to come in with you?” Kirk asks as he pulls into Lars’s driveway, changing the subject.

“No. I’m going to lay down for a while. Thanks for the ride.” Lars mumbles, reaching for the door handle.

“Rob and I will drop off your car later. I think you left your keys and your briefcase at my place anyway.” Kirk says. 

“That’s fine.” Lars gets out and shuts the door behind him, walking slowly up to his front door. 

Kirk watches him through the windshield, frowning in concern, but he backs out of the driveway and heads back to his place once Lars is safely inside the house, having snagged the spare key from under the welcome mat. 

\-------------

Lars settles in his office, wine glass in hand. He doesn’t keep any alcohol in the fridge in the kitchen out of respect for James, but he still has a wine fridge in his office that he indulges in every once in a while, usually when James is out of town to one of his car shows.

He curls up in his chair and puts the bottle on the desk in front of him. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and listens to James’s voicemail before deleting it and draining his glass of wine. He pours himself another one and settles back in his chair, one hand resting on his stomach.

He swallows against the lump in his throat as he thinks about the baby he lost. It’s his fault, of course. His own body that couldn’t handle the pregnancy, that got rid of their baby. James is going to be so furious and so hurt. He had been looking forward to being a father and now Lars has ruined that for him. 

Lars takes a sip of wine and swirls it around in the glass. His hand strokes absently over his empty belly and he sighs, drinking the rest of the wine left in his glass before pouring himself another one. He knows he shouldn’t be getting drunk because he still needs to have a conversation with James about this, but he can’t help it. He lost his baby today and if anything warrants him getting drunk, it’s this. 

He feels empty, hollow. He never really got to feel the life growing inside of him, never felt the baby kick, never felt anything, really. But he feels the loss of the baby, the ache in his chest, the pounding in his head. He doesn’t know what to do now. They hadn’t even picked out a name, didn’t even know the sex of the baby yet. He was barely three months along. He blinks back tears. He’s not going to cry. He’s got to be strong for when James gets here.

Right on cue, he hears James’s voice calling his name from downstairs. He sighs and swallows half of the wine in his glass before turning to face the open door of his office, waiting on James.

\--------------

James pulls into the driveway, noticing that Lars’s car isn’t parked in it. He glances at his cell phone as he gets out of the truck, but there’s no missed calls or texts. He sighs and shoves it back into his pocket, making his way to the door, which he finds unlocked. He frowns, creeping in slowly, hoping it’s just Kirk or Lars. 

“Lars? Babe, you home?” He calls out, checking the living room and the kitchen before heading upstairs. 

“Lars?” He calls out again, getting no answer. 

He walks past Lars’s office and pokes his head in, finding Lars sitting at his desk, watching James carefully. 

“Hey, babe. Didn’t you hear me calling you? What are you doing home so early?” James asks, coming into the room.

“I heard you.” Lars answers slowly. There’s a distinct blur to his voice, accent thicker, that he gets when he’s been drinking. 

James glances at the half empty wine glass in Lars’s hand to the open bottle on the desk beside Lars. “Why are you drinking? You know that’s bad for the baby.”

Lars drinks the rest of the wine in his glass. “It doesn’t matter.”

“What doesn’t matter?” James frowns, not understanding.

“I had a miscarriage today. There is no baby anymore.” Lars says calmly, pouring himself another glass of wine.

James feels like he’s been punched in the gut. He gasps, bracing himself on the edge of Lars’s desk, staring at Lars. “W-When? How? Why didn’t you call me?”

“What could you have done? Nothing. It was earlier today. Kirk took me to the hospital. I signed myself out after. Doesn’t matter now.” Lars mutters, sipping at his wine, staring at the bottle instead of looking at James.

James comes around to Lars’s side of the desk. “What happened? Are you okay?” 

 

“What happened was one minute, I was pregnant, the next I wasn’t. I’m physically okay. My body couldn’t handle the pregnancy, so it decided to get rid of the baby.” Lars says, voice soft and detached. It scares James.

“Baby, I’m sorry.” James reaches out to hug Lars, but Lars shoves him back with a hand on his chest.

“Don’t touch me.” Lars snaps, flicking an irritated glance at James.

James is startled by Lars’s reaction. “Lars?”

“I don’t want you to touch me.” Lars says again, running his fingertip around the rim of his glass.

“Why can’t I touch you?” James asks, kneeling in front of Lars.

“Because I fucking killed our child. How can you even stand to look at me, much less touch me?” Lars doesn’t yell, not quite, but he’s loud, leaning out of his chair and into James’s face.

“Hey, no. No, you didn’t. You can’t think like that. It wasn’t your fault.” James reaches out to Lars again, only to have his hands shoved away again. 

“Yes, it is! I know it is! You know it is! Even Kirk knows it is!” Lars snaps, face red, eyes angry.

“Sweetheart, no. No one thinks it’s your fault. Things happen and they don’t always work out like we want them to and it’s terrible, but it’s not your fault.” James pulls Lars into his lap, gathering him in his arms. 

Lars struggles against him. “I said don’t fucking touch me!”

James ignores him, plucking the wine glass from his fingers before it spills all over them and wrapping his arms around Lars. 

Lars squirms and tries to free himself. “Let go of me, James. I’m fucking serious!” 

James doesn’t let go, just holds on tighter and rocks Lars back and forth.

Lars manages to get an arm free and twists around enough to slap James across the face. “I said don’t fucking touch me.” 

James lets his arms fall to his sides, stunned. Lars climbs back into his chair, snatches his wine glass from the floor, and glares at James. “Get out.”

James gets to his feet and stares at Lars, who won’t look at him. He turns and walks out of Lars’s office, closing the door behind him. He leans back against it and lets the tears he was holding back fall down his cheeks. A few seconds later, he hears a scream of rage from Lars and the tinkling sound of glass shattering against the heavy wood door. 

He walks down to his garage, ignoring the way his hands shake as he picks up his tools. He stares down at the engine he’s supposed to be rebuilding and resists the urge to destroy it.

\-------------

Dean flops back against the pillows behind him, exhausted. Seth is holding Lee in the rocking chair, cooing quietly to him. Dean smiles at them, still in awe that he brought that tiny bundle of baby into the world. 

Seth catches his eye and grins back at him. “We did good.” 

“Very good.” Dean agrees, gesturing for Seth to come to him on the bed.

Seth gets up and Dean makes room, tugging him carefully down onto the bed with him. “He’s got your nose.”

“He’s got your eyes.” Seth counters softly as Lee snuffles in his sleep.

“I can’t believe we’re parents now.” Dean admits, fingers stroking over the fine hairs on Lee’s head.

“Better start believing it when you’re up at two in the morning, feeding him.” Seth chuckles, rocking Lee gently in his arms.

“You’re gonna be right there with me.” Dean nudges Seth’s side with his elbow, still staring down at his son in awe.

“He’s so little.” Seth mumbles, stroking a fingertip across Lee’s forehead.

Dean snorts. “He’s like two hours old. Of course he’s little.”

“You say that like you weren’t obsessed with his fingers and toes when you held him the first time.” Seth rolls his eyes, pressing a kiss to the side of Dean’s head.

“You can prove nothing.” Dean says with a smirk.

Seth just shakes his head and goes back to rocking Lee, murmuring to him softly every time he shifts in his sleep. 

Dean drifts off, listening to Seth coo to their son, smiling at the thought.

\----------------

Lars sits in his office, drinking straight from the wine bottle now, since he threw his glass and shattered it. The wine has dried on the floor, leaving behind a sticky residue among the glass shards he has yet to clean up. He half-expected James to burst back in at his scream, but he didn’t and well, Lars isn’t that surprised. 

He gets up from the desk, one hand gripping the edge of it tightly, the other clinging to the neck of the wine bottle, and staggers over to the couch, more drunk than he thought he was. He flops down with a groan and sits the bottle on the floor within easy grabbing distance and flings an arm over his eyes. 

He’s a little ashamed that he hit James, but mostly anger still licks away at his insides, burning him up and making him see red every time he thinks about it. He told James to not touch him. He told him and James ignored him. James says he doesn’t blame him, but Lars knows that isn’t true. How can James not blame him? He deserves it. He killed their baby. 

He gropes blindly for the wine bottle and picks it up, taking a swallow of it. He knows he’s to blame and James does to. He just won’t admit it. But Lars knows the truth. He can see it in James’s eyes when James looks at him. How James avoids touching his stomach and avoids looking at its flatness now. James might not admit it, but Lars knows. Lars always fucking knows. 

He finishes off the wine and lets it roll out of his lax hand onto the floor. He sinks into an uneasy sleep, anger and alcohol burning him up.

\----------------

James stays down in the garage, tinkering with the engine, but ultimately getting nothing done, well into the night. It’s past midnight when he finally comes into the house, heading for their bedroom. He passes Lars’s office, but doesn’t open the door. He rests his hand on the knob for a moment, considering, but decides against it, running his other hand across his cheek. 

He takes a shower, dries off, and changes into a pair of sleep pants. He gets into bed, ignoring the fact that Lars isn’t there with him, and stares up at the dark ceiling. There’s a burning in his eyes and he blinks, letting the tears fall. He’s not ashamed of them. If there ever was a time to cry, the loss of his child, one he never even got to know, to hold, to cherish, this is it. 

He turns towards Lars’s side of the bed, grabbing his pillow and hugging it to his chest, breathing in the scent that clings to the fabric. He cries, letting the pillow muffle his sobs, aching with the loss. It hurts. It hurts more than anything he’s ever known before. They hadn’t even picked a name yet. 

He ignores the nagging voice in the back of his head that says Lars should be in his arms, not just his fucking pillow. He’s trying so hard not to be angry with him, but he can’t help it. Lars didn’t need to lash out him when he was only trying to help him, trying to comfort him. They both suffered a loss today, but James can’t even imagine what Lars is going through.The overwhelming need to protect him makes him clench his hands in the pillow and press his face harder against it.

His tears soak the pillow and he gasps for air, eventually managing to calm himself down.He sits up, the pillow in his lap as he wipes his face with shaking fingers. He thinks about going to Lars again, trying to talk to him, but Lars probably still doesn’t want to see him and he certainly doesn’t want to be slapped again, so he lays back down in bed. He hugs Lars’s pillow to his chest and sighs. 

He doesn’t get much sleep that night.

\--------------

“Looks like everything is great with father and baby, so we’ll get the discharge papers going and have you all on your way in a bit, okay?” Doctor Rose smiles at them all.

“Good. I’m sick of hospital food and this bed sucks.” Dean grumbles, cradling Lee on his chest while Seth hovers around him. 

“Can’t say I blame you. Not a fan of the food or the beds either.” Doctor Rose laughs, patting Dean’s leg before slipping out of the room, clipboard tucked under her arm.

Seth watches Dean stroke his hand carefully over Lee’s tiny back for a moment before he finishes packing up the diaper bag the hospital had given them. 

Dean watches for a moment. “Did you put the car seat in the car?” 

“Yeah. Did it this morning before you woke up.” Seth nods. 

Dean nods, shifting Lee on his chest. “You wanna take him so I can change?”

Seth walks over to them, carefully picking Lee up and rocking him in his arms gently when he makes an unhappy noise at being moved. 

Dean presses a quick kiss to Seth’s cheek, hand stroking over Lee’s tufts of hair before he picks up his pile of clothes and disappears into the bathroom to change quickly, mindful that a nurse or doctor could walk into his room. 

Seth grins down at Lee, who blinks up at him. “You got your daddy’s eyes, yes you do!” 

Lee just stares at him, wide blue eyes bright as he eyes Seth’s beard. 

“He’s got your nose though.” Dean says, coming back into the room, fully dressed. 

“Rollins nose right there.” Seth nods, trailing a fingertip over Lee’s nose. 

“Mr. Ambrose?” A nurse pokes her head into the room.

“That’s me. Got my papers ready?” He asks.

“Yes sir. They’ll be at the nurses’ station when you’re ready to go.” She smiles and ducks back out. 

“Ready?” Seth asks. 

“Ready. Got everything?” Dean asks, glancing around the room one last time.

“Yep. Everything is packed.” Seth nods. 

“Okay. Let’s blow this popsicle stand. What do you say, Lee?” Dean asks, grinning.

Lee coos at him and flails an arm into Seth’s chest. “I think he’s ready.”

\---------------

Lars wakes up the next morning with a headache and the knowledge that he’s not pregnant anymore. It’s a pretty shitty morning already and he’s only been up a few minutes. He stares down at the sparkling shards of glass on his floor and groans. He’s gonna have to clean that up. 

He opens the door and edges around the mess carefully, mindful of his bare feet. He walks into the kitchen and freezes at the sight of James sitting at the table, a cup of coffee by his hand, reading the Sports section of the newspaper. 

There’s a faint bruise coloring James’s cheekbone and Lars flushes with shame at the reminder of what he’s done. James doesn’t even look up at him as he comes into the kitchen, heading for the cleaning closet and taking out the broom, an old rag, and some Scrubbing Bubbles spray. 

He wants to talk to James, wants to bridge the gap that’s between them, but he doesn’t know how and James certainly isn’t giving him any hints, so he goes back to his office and cleans up the mess he made, wishing every mess was this easy to clean. He heads back to the kitchen and puts everything back in its place. He leans against the door when he’s done, looking at James’s back. 

He walks slowly over to James’s side and hesitantly brushes his fingers over the bruise on James’s cheek. James doesn’t react, just continues reading the newspaper like Lars isn’t standing there at all. Lars lets his hand fall back to his side. James turns the page and folds the paper down. 

Lars blinks against the sudden burning in his eyes, face flushing with heat as he turns away from James. He doesn’t know what to say, for once in his life, when it matters the most, he’s speechless. He goes back to his office and closes the door behind him, sinking to his knees in front of it. 

He buries his face in his hands and sobs helplessly. He wants James’s comfort, James’s warmth, James’s love. But he deserves none of that for what he did and he knows that. It doesn’t make it hurt any less though. 

\--------------

James sighs and he gets up from the table, almost going after Lars, but he changes his mind. He’s still smarting over the slap and Lars’s refusal of his touch. He just wants to hold Lars and make everything hurt a little bit less for them both. 

He walks outside, intending to head to Papa Het’s for the day when he sees Seth and Dean getting out of their car next door. They wave at him and gesture him over, so he goes, curious to see how everything went yesterday. Dean looks considerably flatter, so he assumes it went well.

Sure enough, Dean is unbuckling a tiny baby from the car seat and cooing to him. “Meet your Uncle James!” 

“Wanna hold him?” Seth asks, grinning brightly at James. 

There’s a sharp ache in his chest, but he nods and smiles as Dean places Lee in his arms and he looks down into bright blue eyes. He allows himself a moment to imagine this is his child and that Lars is standing next to him, beaming the proud grin of a new parent. He could almost pretend, looking down into Lee’s blue eyes. 

“Isn’t he amazing?” Dean asks, bouncing on his toes next to them.

“Yeah, yeah, he’s great.” James gives him a smile, automatically rocking Lee a little as he starts to fuss quietly. 

“See? You’re already a natural! You’re going to be a great father!” Dean exclaims, beaming at James. 

James passes Lee back to Dean, the ache in his chest throbbing now. “Uh. Maybe. Not for a while though.” 

“Well, you won’t have to wait long. Isn’t Lars about three months along? The other six will go by so fast.” Seth nods, hoisting the diaper bag over his shoulder.

James sniffs and blinks rapidly for a moment. “He uh he had a miscarriage yesterday.” 

“Oh my god, I am so sorry.” Seth breathes out, fingers tightening around the strap of the bag. 

“Shit, man. I’m sorry.” Dean offers from beside him, clutching Lee to him just a tiny bit more.

“We didn’t mean to just spring all this on you. We wouldn’t have done that if we had known.” Seth says, frowning in concern. 

“No, it’s okay. You didn’t know. I enjoyed meeting Lee. He’s precious.” James clears his throat. 

“How’s Lars doing?” Dean asks, eyes full of sympathy. 

“He won’t talk to me, so I don’t know.” James admits, looking away from them.

“I’m sure he’ll open up soon. I can’t imagine being in his place and dealing with that.” Seth reaches out and squeezes James’s shoulder.

“Yeah. Well, I gotta go. Gonna head up to the garage. I’ll see you guys later.” James says, turning and walking away, waving over his shoulder. 

\-------------

Lars stands at the window in his office, watching Dean and Seth get home. He eyes Dean’s flat torso and guesses that he had his baby and has his suspicions confirmed a few moments later when James comes over and Dean lets him hold the baby. 

Lars watches James hold the child, smiling down at him, rocking him carefully. His heart breaks all over again at the look of happiness on James’s face. James had always wanted to be a dad. Lars had been on the fence about it, but the more that he thought about it and thought about James, the more he wanted kids too. They never planned specifically to have one, but at some point along the way, they stopped practicing safe sex and using birth control and left it up to fate. 

He watches James hand the baby back over to Dean and winces at the look of anguish on James’s face as he says something to them. Lars assumes he’s telling them what happened to him, judging by the looks on their faces when he finishes. He feels a brief burst of anger at James for sharing something so personal, but James needs to talk to someone, and if it can’t be him, then why not them? They’d understand somewhat, being new parents themselves. 

Lars lets the curtains flutter back into the place as James comes back over to their front yard, getting into his truck and driving away. He didn’t bother to tell Lars he was leaving or where he was going. There wasn’t a goodbye kiss and Lars aches for all that he’s lost. He’s pretty sure he’s losing James and he doesn’t really blame him. He wouldn’t stay with him after this either. Losing their baby was bad enough, but then shutting him out and hitting him? He’s definitely ruined things between them. 

His ringing cell phone distracts him and he walks over to his desk and picks it up, hoping it’s James. Kirk’s name flashes across the screen and Lars declines the call. A few seconds later, it chimes, letting him know that Kirk left him a message. He doesn’t listen to it. He digs out another bottle of wine and opens it, not even bothering with a glass this time.

\-------------

Dean lays back against his pillows, Lee snuggled on his chest. He runs his palm up and down Lee’s back, assuring himself that Lee is there and well. Seth catches sight of the troubled look on Dean’s face. 

“Thinking about Lars?” He asks, sitting next to Dean’s feet, resting one hand on his ankle. 

“Yeah. Like I can’t even begin to fathom dealing with that kind of loss.” Dean admits, pressing a kiss to the top of Lee’s head. 

“I can’t even think about where his head must be at right now.” Seth says, fingers pressing into Dean’s skin. 

“I know. I can’t either. I feel bad for saying all that stuff to James too, about being a great dad. Talk about shoving my foot in my mouth.” Dean grumbles. 

“Hey, you didn’t know. Honest mistake.” Seth squeezes Dean’s ankle. 

“I know, I know, I still feel bad though.” Dean tucks his chin down on his chest. 

“He’s not mad at you or anything. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You want something to eat?” Seth asks, changing gears to get Dean’s mind off of it.

“Yeah.” Dean says with a nod.

“Anything in particular?” Seth asks, getting to his feet.

“Whatever’s fine. I’m starving.” Dean answers with a smirk.

“You’re always starving.” Seth rolls his eyes.

“Hey, who just had a baby here? Not you!” Dean sticks his tongue out at Seth.

Seth shakes his head and heads to the kitchen to figure out what to make for lunch. 

\------------

Kirk knocks on the front door and gets no response. He knows Lars is home. James called him earlier and asked him to stop by and check on Lars. Kirk sighs and flicks through his key ring, unlocking the door and stepping inside.

“Lars?” He calls out and gets no answer in return. 

He doesn’t bother with checking the living room or kitchen. He knows Lars will be in his office, curled up around a bottle of wine and hopefully not too wasted, if Kirk is lucky. 

He knocks on Lars’s office door, mostly to let him know that he’s here and then opens it. Lars is laying on the couch, one arm flung over his eyes, the other dangling off the edge, bottle clutched in his fingers. Kirk sighs and steps into the room, closing the door behind him. Lars doesn’t stir.

“I know you’re awake.” Kirk says, walking over to him. 

“Doesn’t mean I want to talk.” Lars mumbles, accent blurring his words slightly. 

“Well, I’m here anyway, so you might as well.” Kirk shifts Lars’s legs until he can sit down on the end of the couch and places Lars’s feet in his lap.

“You want me to tell you all about how James hates me because I killed our baby?” Lars asks, pushing himself up onto his elbows and staring Kirk down with red-rimmed eyes. 

“You know he doesn’t hate you or blame you for what happened.” Kirk says calmly.

“Oh yeah? How the fuck would you know?” Lars sneers, lifting the wine bottle to his mouth and taking a swig. 

“Because I know James better than that and you do too.” Kirk retorts. 

“Well, if he didn’t hate me before, he certainly should now.” Lars mutters, looking away from Kirk.

“Lars, I’m pretty sure you could rip his still beating heart out of his chest and he’d tell you it’s okay because he loves you. Come on now. You know better than that.” Kirk says, pulling the bottle out of Lars’s grasp. 

“I slapped him.” Lars admits quietly.

“What? Why?” Kirk asks, looking shocked.

“Because he was trying to comfort me and I didn’t want him to and so I just slapped him.” Lars says, crossing his arms over his chest.

“What did he do?” Kirk asks.

“Left me alone. I mean, I wouldn’t want to be around me either.” Lars shrugs as best he can in his position. 

“Did you apologize? Or at least talk about it?” Kirk presses, leaning closer to Lars.

“No. I slept in here last night and this morning he acted like I didn’t even exist.” Lars rubs at his eyes, drunk enough that he doesn’t care if he’s crying in front of Kirk.

“You have to talk to him about this. You can’t just let it fester and build up between the two of you. Nothing good will come of that.” Kirk nods.

“He hates me, Kirk.” Lars whines, tipping his head up to glare at Kirk. 

“He doesn’t hate you, stop saying that.” Kirk scolds him.

“He does hate me! I killed our baby, Kirk! He fucking hates me for that. And he should. He should hate me and he should blame me because it’s my fucking fault! I ruined that for him and I’ll ruin his love and him and everything! He should hate me!” Lars screams, face red, eyes filled with tears. 

Kirk pulls Lars to him, hugging him tightly as he sobs against his chest. He mumbles soothing nonsense to him, stroking his back and letting him get it all out of his system. Slowly, Lars calms down, reduced to quiet whimpers. Kirk pulls back enough to look him in the eye.

“I know what happened was a terrible and devastating thing, but James doesn’t hate you nor does he blame you for what happened. You’ve suffered a huge loss, both of you, and now is the time to come together and not let it rip you apart. Because it will, Lars. Especially if you blame yourself for something you had absolutely no control over. You understand?” Kirk lifts Lars’s chin, forcing him to make eye contact. 

“Yes. I know you’re right, but it just feels like it was my fault. My own body fucking betrayed me in this.” Lars snaps, hand running over his belly. 

Kirk presses his lips to Lars’s forehead. “I know it’s hard and it’s gonna take some time, but let James help you, okay? This is not your burden to bear alone. He lost the baby too.” 

Lars nods, leaning against Kirk for a moment. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Kirk asks, looking confused.

“For being the best friend I need.” Lars gives him a weak smile.

“Oh well, always.” Kirk smiles back.

“Ugh, I think I’m sober now. I need a fucking shower.” Lars complains, standing up from the couch. 

Kirk chuckles. “That I believe you can do on your own. Need anything else?” 

“No, the kick in the ass and lecture was what I needed. I’ll talk to James.” Lars nods to himself. 

“Good. Remember that it wasn’t your fault, Lars.” Kirk reaches out and pulls Lars into a hug. 

Lars returns it, clutching at Kirk’s shirt desperately for a moment before pulling back. “Thanks.”

\--------------

James goes to work, burying himself elbow-deep in grease and car parts, working himself until he doesn’t feel anything. Jason watches him, concerned, but he doesn’t say anything, knowing when it’s better to stay away. 

Five o’clock rolls around and Jason comes to stand beside James, leaning against the car he’s working on. “You gonna go home?” 

James grunts and doesn’t answer. 

“What’s up, James? You’ve been weird all day.” Jason asks. 

“Just shit with Lars. We’ve been fighting.” James wipes the sweat from his brow and straightens up from the car. 

“You wanna talk about it?” Jason asks.

“Not really.” James grumbles, wiping his hands on the rag. 

“Come on, it might help.” Jason coaxes James.

“It’s just a rough patch. We’ll get through it.” James brushes him off, shutting the hood of the car and turning to clean up his work station. 

“Well, if you wanna talk, you know where to find me.” Jason moves away, heading to his own work station and starting to tidy that up before he leaves. 

James finishes up and heads home, dreading seeing Lars. It doesn’t sit right with him, wanting to avoid Lars. He gets out of his truck and sighs, leaning against the warm metal of the door. He grins when he sees Dean and Seth pushing a stroller down the sidewalk, both of them cooing to Lee and pointing things out to him. 

They wave to him, pushing the stroller up his driveway. “Hey, look, Lee. It’s your Uncle James.” 

Seth unbuckles Lee from the stroller and picks him up. “You wanna hold him?”

“Sure.” James smiles and takes Lee from Seth, cradling him gently in his arms. 

Lee seems fascinated by the tattoos on James’s arms, staring at them as James rests on hand on his belly. 

“How are things with you and Lars?” Dean asks, shading his eyes from the sun.

“Tense. We haven’t talked yet.” James admits, looking down at Lee. 

“You know you have to talk to him.” Seth points out, though not unkindly. 

“I know. But that’s easier said than done. We’re both angry right now and that only leads to fighting.” James mutters, but he smiles down at Lee and wiggles his fingers against his belly, making him coo happily.

“Well, yeah, but this is the two of you. You’ll make it through this.” Dean says with a firm nod. 

“I wish it felt like that right now.” James says, looking up at Dean and Seth. 

“Go talk to him. Don’t let him shut you out and don’t shut him out either.” Seth advises, taking Lee when James hands him back to him. 

“I know. I just don’t know what to say to get him to open up to me.” James kicks the ground, shoving his hands into his pockets. 

“You’ll figure it out. You’ve been together this long. You know each other this well. Don’t be stubborn.” Seth carefully puts Lee back in the stroller and buckles him up. 

James sighs. “You’re right. I’ll talk to him. Thanks.” 

“No problem. Holding Lee always helps.” Dean beams at James.

“Seems to.” James smiles back, waving as they make their way back down the sidewalk to their house. James watches them for a moment, marvelling at the easy affection Dean and Seth have with each other. The way Dean leans towards Seth when Seth speaks to him, the casual way Seth slings an arm around Dean’s slim waist. 

He turns and heads into the house, hoping Lars is in a better mood and is ready to talk. He’s surprised when he finds Lars in the living room, curled up at the window seat, arms around his knees. He doesn’t look at James when James comes into the room. 

“I’m sorry.” Lars whispers hoarsely. 

“What?” James asks, taken aback. 

“I’m sorry. For everything. Hurting you, hitting you, losing the baby. I’m sorry.” Lars turns away from the window to look at James. 

James kneels down next to Lars, staring up at him. “Hey, hey, it’s not your fault.”

“I wouldn’t blame you if you think it is my fault. If you hated me for it. Because I do.” Lars turns away from him again.

“No, I can’t hate you and I don’t blame you. It wasn’t your fault.” James tugs on Lars’s hands, holding them. 

“You should hate me. I killed our baby!” Lars jerks his hands away from James, curling up even farther away from him. 

“Lars, what happened was horrible and I feel that loss too, but it was in no way your fault.” James says firmly. 

Lars presses a hand to his mouth, muffling his sob. James draws him down into his arms, stroking a hand through his hair. 

“Please don’t.” Lars tries to pull away from him.

“Why are you pushing me away like this?” James asks, a hint of frustration bleeding through his voice.

Lars squirms out of his arms. “Because I don’t deserve you! I don’t deserve this! Your comfort, your love!” 

“What are you talking about?” James asks, standing up as Lars does the same. 

“What don’t you understand about this? I killed our child!” Lars screams at him, face red.

“Stop saying that! You didn’t do anything wrong! Shit happens and it hurts and it’s horrible and it feels like nothing will ever be okay again, but you didn’t do anything wrong, Lars!” James yells back.

“You say that now, but what happens when you realize I’m right and you end up resenting me for it later on?” Lars glares at James.

“If I’m saying it now, I believe it now and I’ll believe it later too. Why can’t you understand that?” James snaps back. 

“Because you should hate me!” Lars crumbles, turning away from James. 

“I will never hate you. I will never blame you. This isn’t your fault.” James wraps his arms around Lars, resting his chin on the top of his head. 

Lars twists out of James’s hold, turning around to face him. “I don’t believe you, but if that’s what you want, then fine. I’m done talking about it.” 

James stares at him. “Don’t push me away again.” 

Lars takes a deep breath. “I’m not going to discuss this with you anymore.”

“Lars, please. This isn’t going to help.” James cups Lars’s face.

“I don’t want to help anymore. I just want to move on and let it go. I don’t want to dwell on it, I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to move on with my life.” Lars pushes James’s hands away.

“If you don’t deal with it, it’s just going to fester inside of you and come out in more destructive ways, Lars.” James says, letting his arms drop to his sides. 

“Don’t fucking lecture me, James. I will handle this in whatever way I fucking want to.” Lars glares at him.

“I’m just trying to help you!” James protests, feeling his own anger rising up.

“I don’t want your fucking help!” Lars yells at him, fists clenched by his sides.

“Why are you being like this?” James asks, trying to shove his anger down. 

“Because I have to be.” Lars says quietly, turning and walking away from James, heading upstairs. 

A few seconds later, the door to his office slams shut and James flinches.

\-------------

The days blend into weeks. Things are tense and quiet in James and Lars’s house. Lars stays holed up in his office when he’s not out with a client or Kirk. James spends more time down in the garage, tinkering, or at work, or over at Seth and Dean’s, helping with Lee. 

That’s where he finds himself one afternoon when the quiet is too suffocating in the house and he needs an escape. He knocks on their door and a frantic Dean answers, pulling him into the house. 

“You’re gonna hold Lee and see if he stops crying for you. We’ve tried everything, but he just won’t stop!” Dean exclaims, shoving James down on the couch. 

Seth hands him a crying Lee, face scrunched and red, and James takes him, already whispering soothing noises to him. He leans back on the couch, shifting Lee to lay on his chest, humming to him. Lee quiets, face unscrunching, and blinks slowly, heavy-lidded and sleepy now. 

“Fuck yes, baby whisperer!” Dean crows, fist pumping. 

Seth just smiles at him. “Thanks. He hasn’t stopped crying in like hours.” 

James smiles at him, continuing to hum until Lee is sound asleep on his chest. He runs a hand over Lee’s tiny back, allowing himself another ‘what if’ moment, imagining Lars curled up on his other side, head on his shoulder, before it hurts too much and he lets it slip away. 

“You realize now this makes you the official baby whisperer and we’re gonna call you when we need a good baby whispering, right?” Dean asks, sagging down on the couch next to James.

James smirks. “That’s fine. I’m obviously good at it.” 

“How are things with you and Lars?” Seth asks, sitting next to Dean and draping an arm over his shoulders.

“Not great.” James says, looking down at Lee.

“Did you ever talk about what happened? Get it worked out?” Dean asks, nosey as ever. 

“Kind of. It’s complicated.” James admits, pressing a kiss to the top of Lee’s head. 

“Complicated?” Seth presses.

“He decided he never wants to talk about it again and ever since then, things are tense and awkward. He doesn’t even sleep in the bedroom anymore. He sleeps in his office. He’s always out with a client or holed up in his office. I know I’m not helping things either, but I don’t know how anymore. I’m giving him the space he wants, but I just feel like there’s too much space and I don’t want it anymore.” James explains quietly. 

‘You love him, right?” Seth asks, looking James in the eyes. 

“Of course I love him.” James blinks at Seth.

“Well, then figure out how to make it better. If he’s not going to do it, then you have to. I know it sucks having to be the one to reach out and face his wrath, but if things are going to get better, then you have to do something.” Seth says firmly. 

“I know. I’m just tired of fighting with him. It hurts and it just feels wrong, you know?” James frowns. 

“I know, but you have to do it if you don’t want things to get worse than they are already are.” Seth says, reaching over Dean to pat James’s leg. 

“How’s he doing though? We haven’t seen much of him lately.” Dean asks, glancing at Seth.

“When I see him in passing, he looks tired, but that’s nothing new. Like I said, he doesn’t talk to me.” James shrugs. 

“Dean thinks Lars is avoiding him because of Lee.” Seth says, earning himself a smack from Dean.

“It wouldn’t surprise me.” James admits, looking at Dean with concern.

“Yeah. I figured as much.” Dean’s face falls though. 

“I’m sorry. It’s not really anything to do with you personally, but you know. He doesn’t want any reminders and this little guy is a pretty big one.” James nods down at Lee.

“I know. I don’t want to hurt him, but I’m starting to kind of miss the little fucker.” Dean huffs a sigh.

“I’m sure he’ll come around. Just give him time.” James says, giving Dean a small smile. 

“Back to you, I think you need to do something about you and him now too.” Seth points out.

“Yeah, I need to talk to him.” James says, shifting Lee on his chest. 

Dean gently takes Lee from James and soothes him quickly. James stands up. “Thanks for the help.” 

“Anytime. Thanks for getting him to stop crying.” Dean grins at him as he heads for the front door.

James waves over his shoulder. 

\------------

Lars props his feet up on the desk. “I didn’t call you to get another lecture about James, Kirk.”

 _“Well, it’s not my fault you haven’t patched things up with him yet.”_ Kirk says and Lars can practically see the eye roll he’s getting.

“No, but you don’t have to keep harping on it.” Lars grumbles.

 _“I’m going to until you fix things with him. I know it still hurts, but you can’t let this rip you apart.”_ Kirk says sharply. 

“I know, okay. I fucking know, okay? Get off my back about it.” Lars complains, spinning his chair around.

 _“Then do something! Stop being a stubborn ass about it and reach out to him.”_ Kirk snaps at him, finally irritated.

“That’s not as easy as you make it sound, Kirk. The whole thing has been going on for weeks. I don’t know what to do about it anymore.” Lars sighs, slumping in his chair.

 _“You’re smart. You’ll think of something.”_ Kirk says encouragingly.

“I guess.” Lars huffs.

 _“I’m gonna let you go. Let me know how it goes.”_ Kirk says cheerfully before hanging up.

Lars drops his phone on his desk and sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face. This has gone on long enough. He has to fix things with James. He’s tired of sleeping alone in his office. He misses James. They haven’t so much as kissed since that last big fight and Lars misses him so much, it’s an ache in his chest. 

He gets up out of his chair and heads downstairs, freezing halfway down when the front door opens and James steps inside. He looks up at Lars and meets his eyes. 

“James, we need to talk.” Lars says after a moment. 

“Yeah, we do.” James nods. 

“But first, I really need to do this.” Lars walks down the rest of the steps to James, wrapping his arms around him, pulling him down into a kiss. James tenses, surprised, before kissing Lars fiercely, arms around his waist. Lars moans, sinking into James’s embrace. Lars pulls away from him before the kiss gets too intense. 

“Talk first, Missekat.” Lars says softly, looking up at James. 

“Yeah, okay.” James takes Lars’s hand and leads him into the kitchen and they sit at the table facing each other. 

Lars takes a deep breath, looking down at the wooden top of the table, dragging a nail along the grain. He looks up at James. “I’m sorry for the way I’ve been treating you. It’s not been fair to you because I know you’ve been hurting too because of me. I know I should have been there for you and let you be there for me. I was too busy being selfish and burying myself in my own pain to realize that you needed me too. I’m sorry.”

James comes around to Lars’s side of the table and cups his face in his hands. “I shouldn’t have ignored you either. I should have given you the space when you asked, but I shouldn’t have let you push me away and I should have tried harder for you.” 

Lars rests his hands over James. “We both made mistakes. Now we can fix them and move on.”

“Are you gonna come back to bed with me tonight?” James asks, smiling gently at Lars.

“Yeah, I’m tired of sleeping alone.” Lars returns James’s smile.

James leans down and kisses Lars again, not wanting to let go of him. Lars whimpers into the kiss, pushing back against James, tightening his grip on James’s hands.

The kiss ends and James rests his forehead against Lars’s. “I missed you, sweetheart.”

“I missed you too, Jamie. I’m so fucking sorry I did this to us.” Lars says, voice hoarse. 

“Hey, we’re making it better. It’s okay.” James strokes his thumbs over Lars’s cheekbones. 

Lars sniffs, blinking back the sudden wetness in his eyes. “Yeah. Is there anything you wanted to talk about? Because I’m willing to now.” 

“No. I don’t want to make this harder on you. What happened happened and it’s in the past and we can mourn, but we shouldn’t linger over it. It wouldn’t be healthy. But I’m always here to listen if you need to talk.” James presses his lips to Lars’s forehead. 

“You’re not the only one I need to make things up with either. I’ve been avoiding Seth and Dean and I know they’ve probably noticed.” Lars admits as James sits down next to him, holding one of his hands. 

“Yeah, Dean asked me about that. I didn’t really know what to tell him.” James admits. 

“It was just so hard when they had a healthy baby and I didn’t. I was so angry and jealous of them. But I shouldn’t have taken it out on them by ignoring them. That wasn’t fair of me.” Lars sighs.

“You wanna go over there, meet Lee?” James asks cautiously. 

“You think they’ll want me to?” Lars asks, hopefully.

“Yeah. I know Dean will love it.” James grins at him.

\---------------

“You sure this is a good idea?” Lars asks again as James lifts his arm to knock on the door. 

“Relax, it’s fine.” James says, knocking briskly.

Dean answers the door, cackling. “This is the greatest thing ever. Lee just spit up in Seth’s mouth, so ignore him. He’s having issues.”

James and Lars step into the living room, picking their way around the minefield of toys scattered along the floor. Seth comes in from the kitchen, wiping his tongue on a dish cloth. “It’s not funny, Dean!”

“I told you not to bounce him like that after I just fed him. It’s your own fault and it’s hilarious.” Dean snickers. 

James and Lars take a seat on the couch, watching Dean pick Lee up out of his playpen and carry him over to the couch. “You wanna hold him?”

“Okay.” Lars says, staring at Lee as Dean hands him over. He cradles the baby in his arms, staring down into the bright blue eyes and, for a moment, he can imagine what it would have been like, holding his own child, imagining that these are James’s blue eyes staring back at him instead of Dean’s. A pang in his chest makes him inhale sharply, blinking away tears. He smiles down at Lee, grinning when Lee reaches up to him, making grabby hands at him. Lars offers him his fingers to grab and Lee coos happily, squeezing Lars’s fingers.

Seth taps James on his shoulder and gestures him into the kitchen. “They need to talk.”

James nods and follows him into the kitchen, glancing back at Lars with a smile on his face.

\--------------

“So I’m assuming things are better now with you two.” Seth says, passing James a can of Diet Coke. 

“Yeah, we talked and patched things up.” James nods, cracking open the can and taking a sip.

“That’s good. I’m glad. You two are too strong to let that continue.” Seth nods, sitting across from James. 

“Yeah. I mean, there are things that still need to be smoothed over, but I’m not too worried about it. The worst is over.” James settles back in his chair, glancing at Lars and Dean on the couch, Lars still holding Lee.

“Yeah, I’m surprised he wanted to come over and meet Lee though.” Seth admits, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Did you think he was going to avoid you guys forever?” James shoots him an amused look. 

“No, well, I don’t know. He did a pretty good job of it these last few weeks.” Seth snorts. 

“Yeah, but he’s trying. It’s hard, you know.” James takes another sip of his soda, looking back over to Lars.

“I can’t even imagine how hard it must be still for him.” Seth says, looking over to Lars and Dean too. 

“Me either, but we’re trying and he’s trying, so I think it’ll be okay eventually.” James nods.

“Anything we can do to help, just let us know.” Seth says, looking at James.

“Thanks. I will.” James smiles at Seth.

\--------------

“This is going to sounds stupid, but I thought you were mad at me.” Dean admits, looking down at Lee, so he doesn’t have to meet Lars’s gaze.

Lars is silent for a long moment. “I was for a while. Mad that you had a baby and I didn’t. Jealous that everything worked out for you and nothing went right for me. It hurt too much and so I avoided you. I’m sorry for that.” 

“Hey, it’s okay. I can’t even think about what it must have been like for you.” Dean says quietly, stroking his hand over Lee’s head.

“Don’t think about it. Just cherish this one for me.” Lars kisses Lee’s forehead, smiling down at him. 

“I already do, so much. I never thought I’d have kids, you know, never really wanted them. He wasn’t planned and he just sort of happened, but fuck, Lars, I love him so much. I didn’t think it was possible to love someone this much, but I do.” Dean admits, staring at his son.

“You’re a great dad. You and Seth both. And Lee is going to grow up and he’s going to have two amazing parents and I’m so happy for the two of you. Really.” Lars says, catching Dean’s eyes.

“Thanks, Lars.” Dean returns the smile. 

\--------------

Dean puts a sleeping Lee in his crib and leans against Seth as they watching Lee for a moment. “Today was a good day.”

“Yeah, it was.” Seth agrees, wrapping an arm around Dean’s waist.

“I’m glad Lars came over. We had a good talk.” Dean says, turning away from the crib and picking up the baby monitor from the dresser. 

“Did you? That’s good.” Seth follows him out, leaving the door open a crack, so they can hear Lee better.

“Yeah. He totally adores Lee too.” Dean says, heading into their bedroom, stripping out of his shirt and jeans.

“Who doesn’t adore Lee though?” Seth laughs, shucking off his clothing too. 

“That’s a very good point. Everyone loves our baby.” Dean settles into bed, grinning at Seth. 

“And they should. He’s amazing.” Seth slides in next to Dean, straightening out his pillows.

“We’re amazing for making him.” Dean grins at Seth. 

“You wanna try making another one?” Seth smirks.

“Nope.” Dean rolls over, back to Seth as Seth laughs, tossing an arm over his hips.

\--------------

Later that night, Lars is curled up in bed, reading, when James slips in beside him, hair still damp from his shower. 

“Hey, you okay?” James asks, laying on his side, facing Lars.

“Hmm? Yeah, I’m fine.” Lars turns the page in his book, not really paying attention to James. 

“Lars.” James says firmly.

“What?” Lars lowers his book and looks at James.

“Are you sure you’re okay? I know you went through a lot, seeing Lee today.” James reaches out and strokes the side of Lars’s face.

Lars catches his hand and presses a kiss to his knuckles. “I’m fine. It hurt a little bit, but I needed to make amends with Dean and Seth and deal with my own shit. And I did that. So yeah, I’m okay.”

“Good. I’m glad.” James smiles up at him.

“How are you doing?” Lars asks, kissing his hand again.

“Dealing. It still kind of aches, but I’m dealing with it. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” James says softly.

“I’m okay. We’ll deal with it day by day, okay?” Lars squeezes James’s hand.

James nods, looking away from Lars for a moment. 

“What is it? You look like you want to say something.” Lars says, tilting his head at James.

“I’m not sure I should ask this, to be honest.” James says slowly.

“Just ask.” Lars squeezes his hand again.

“Do you think, one day in the future, we can try again?” James asks hesitantly, looking up at Lars.

Lars looks away from him for a moment before turning back to him. “I can’t answer that right now.”

“Sorry, I knew I shouldn’t have asked.” James looks down at the sheets, pulling his hand away from Lars.

“No, Missekat. You can ask, but I just can’t give you an answer. One day, you’ll ask me again and I’ll be able to answer, but right now, I just can’t.” Lars picks up James’s hand again, stroking his thumb over it.

James pulls Lars down on top of him, leaning up and kissing him. “I love you so much, sweetheart.” 

“I love you, Jamie. More than you could ever know.” Lars smiles softly down at him, hands curling around the sides of James’s neck, brushing their noses together.

They arrange themselves on the bed, James curled around Lars, chest pressed to his back - always the big spoon - and they drift off together, finally relaxed and peaceful.


End file.
